I have an electric guitar right now. I want to play rock. The only thing is, I REFUSE to buy a book that’s going to call me a dummy or an idiot (i.e – complete idiots guide to..) But I want a book that is practically written for idiots. 
Any suggestions?
I’d suggest a software program.
eMedia’s Guitar Method (for beginners) is amazing. I bought it 3 years after playing guitar, and wish I had it from the start. It’s very easy to follow, teaches you nearly everything you need to know in one CD, and…you can learn it all pretty quickly.